Diary of a Metal Mommy

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Shirley Temple?! Hell to the No!

Remember the marvelous brunch I had at Stephanie's last weekend? Well, all I can say is Stephanie's friends are wonderful indeed. One of them paid me an incredible compliment, and one that I am especially coveting since it is quite a step up from Shirley Temple...she emailed Stephanie to thank her, and in doing so told her that I reminded her of Eva Langoria from Desperate Housewives! Woo, I can definiltey live with that one. I decided to have The Coreman put my face on Eva's body in this lovely superhero photo of her. What do you think? Man, I could stare at that photo all day, imagining that my body looks like that. And, after all, I am a desperate housewife--so we really have so much in common!!!

Too Lite For Me...

So, has anyone seen that ridiculous Miller Lite commercial with Gene Simmons? He sticks out his famously long tongue and that's supposed to convince us that the man knows how to taste beer. Well, considering it's Miller Lite we're talking about, I wouldn't trust that tongue as long as I could...well...you know. But besides that fact, anyone who knows anything about Gene Simmons, or KISS for that matter, knows that Gene is totally selling out doing this spot because he has always claimed that he never drinks, smokes, or does any kind of drug. I mean, how stupid do the Miller Lite people think we are?!

And as long as I'm raving about 'lite' how about that Bon Joni song called, "Have a Nice Day"--what, are you kidding me?! How can anyone have a song called "Have a Nice Day" and consider it a rock song?! I have to say I would never give Bon Jovi the metal salute anyway, but still. Have a Nice Day?!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

A Little Pee at Byerlys

Ah, what would the holidays be without a little inappropriate potty humor? Today I was waiting in line at my favorite grocery store Byerlys, absent-mindedly looking at the computer screen that lists each item as it's rung up. I then noticed that the bag of peeled carrots I was buying came up as "Baby Carrots Pee"--I'm sure the entire line wouldn't fit on the screen. I couldn't help but bring it up to the cashier. I asked her casually if she could also see the screen. She turned it toward her, looking concerned as if maybe it rung up something incorrectly. I told her it was the peeled carrots and she started to read aloud, "Baby Carrots...", and then her hand slapped over her mouth and she started giggling. She was saying, "You're so naughty!" We had a good laugh. I had to have another laugh to myself at the thought that 'pee' is naughty. Apparently this woman doesn't know me that well if she thinks that 'pee' is as naughty as I get. :-) Ho Ho Ho!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Jane Russel Envies Me

I have really had the most amazing weekend! The festivities all started on Friday night, with Vivian's friend Emily's birthday party at Tuttle's, a local bowling alley. It was a small party with just Vivian and their other friend Nathan, and Emily's mom Kim decided to make it even MORE of a party by inviting us moms along! I bowled as Mrs. Bloom, but don't ask me about my score because we never even finished an entire game--the kids had bowled 2 already and then just finished ours. We were too busy laughing and chatting to bowl! Kim and Brian surprised the kids by giving them amazing 'party favors'--totally authentic Harry Potter wands from The Noble Collection. You should have seen their faces!

Then Saturday I got to see my peeps again at Stephanie's house for a brunch she had for some friends. I was truly honored to be one of the guests, I got completely pampered by amazing food, a beautiful table and great company! Four hours later I felt rushed to get out of there, to get home so Cory could go photograph a Wild game.

Sunday morning was the Christmas program at church. I had casually mentioned this to Stephanie and Kim while talking about my plans for the weekend, and they said they would bring the kids to see Vivian! Vivian had a big narrating-type part, and also a couple of solos. I didn't tell her ahead of time, I wanted it to be a surprise. Was it ever! Her mouth hung down to the floor when she saw her friends there. You could barely see the show from the blinding light that was Vivian, beaming away up there--she was so happy! I personally could barely see the show through the tears--not only at seeing my babies up on stage doing that cute kid-thing they do, but at the love and support that was given to me and my children from my wonderful, amazing friends. I am truly blessed to have them in my life!!!! Jane Russell may have had 18 hour support from her bra, but that ain't nothin' compared to the support I've got from my peeps!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Well, after 4 1/2 years of his little life, Sullivan finally has a bed frame. Up until now he's had his mattress on the floor. It was the best transition from the crib--we did it with Vivian, too--they don't have far to fall when they inevitably roll out of bed! Vivian got a frame not long after she was floor-bound, but Sullivan...well, we got a bit lazy with him as far as that goes. Plus he was having so much fun jumping on his mattress. Now there will definitely be no jumping--the boy has a bunk bed! I know, there is absolutely no reason for Sullivan to have a bunk bed. Vivian has her own room and bed upstairs, and we are NOT planning on having another child! But, uncharacteristically, Cory was actually the softie this time--any time we'd go look at frames Sullivan would say, "I REALLY want a bunk bed!" and the Coreman caved. As the neurotic mother I was totally against it, of course. Not only do I have to worry about my own child breaking his neck, but what about all of his little playmates that come over? The only thing that made me agree was from the get-go, Sullivan always announced that he would sleep on the bottom, and Vivian would sleep on the top. (cute!) At this point we don't even have a mattress for the top--but that will be fixed soon. In fact, knowing me, I will have the whole thing outfitted faster than you can say, "IKEA". I mean, heck, the bottom and top beds have to MATCH! Oh man, though, that means I have to have the Ikea Experience. I do not enjoy the Ikea Experience, as much as they like to tout it. But that's for another post.

One annoying thing about this bunk is that they decided it was a good idea to type all of these safety rules in black print on one of the headboards. Being a nice light pine, it's totally visable from wherever you look at the thing. I suppose that's the whole idea of safety, but please. Cory and I did get a good laugh, though, from this point in the list: "Prohibit horseplay on or under the bed". Yes, it really says 'horseplay'. We made sure to make a point of telling this to Sullivan. It must have made an impression. When we got to preschool, the first thing he said to the teachers after inviting them over to spend the night was that there couldn't be any horseplay. That will be a good one to remind him of when he's about 16--I can really gross him out!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Let it Snow!

Wow, it started snowing before I went to bed last night and it is still going today! I love the snow. Even though I don't get my lazy butt out and do anything in it, I still love looking at it. Lucky me, I don't even have to shovel it. It's the only good thing to come out of having a bunk back. (and another plus to having a great husband...!)

Back in the days when I had a decent back--you know, the days of my youth--I actually tried skiing once. Once. We weren't one of those families that did that kind of stuff together. It always amazed me that my friend Gabi's family would go on ski trips every year--sometimes even to Austria! I mean, were they all in the Olympics or something?? I never even ice skated as a kid--Skateland, the roller rink, was the closest I ever got to that. And the only reason it happened at Skateland was because there were walls around to stop myself. (well, okay, and boys to do the Moonlight skate with...I would totally humiliate myself just to have the chance to hold Bryan VanZante's sweaty hand whilst skating around in circles to "Waiting For a Girl Like You", by Foreigner)

But I digress. I know you really are dying to hear about me making a fool of myself on the slopes. In high school it was someone's grand idea to take our class on a ski trip to the local ski hill--wherever that was, in Iowa! I decided I was going to do it right...I started with some dumb little instruction to learn the basics. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't even do the snowplow thing without getting my skis crossed. After most of the morning tripping over my skis, I finally started to be able to make it down the Bunny Hill without too much trouble. I was feeling pretty spunky. I thought, what the heck? I'll try one of the big hills! Big mistake. Not being able to snowplow to slow myself down, my natural instinct was just to kneel down low. Well, anyone who skis knows that when you do this, it just makes you go faster! So my entire downhill experience was going for a while all hunkered down until I got going too fast, and then tipping myself over to stop! I got near the end of the hill and was horrified to notice that the last part of it was a very steep slope and across the bottom was the line of skiers waiting for the ski jump! I could totally picture myself plowing through them. With this thought in mind I proceeded to take off my skis and walk the rest of the way down the hill! It was humiliating and I'm sure I looked ridiculous, but at least I didn't take anyone down with me. I saved that for trying to get off the ski jump.

So, if I ever ski again, my version will simply be spending time in the vicinity of it--in the lodge by the fire, sipping Hot Toddies and waving to all of the fools out the window. And for now, I'll just enjoy looking at the snow from the window of own cozy house. Today we made Gingerbread cookies, and I tell you, that is a feat in itself. I'm ready for a Hot Toddy!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Fa La La La La

I got volunteered to sing a solo in church yesterday, in Contemporary Choir. Ug! It's the only thing I don't like about being in the choir. I never raise my hand to volunteer when Diane, the director, asks for one, but somehow I end up doing them sometimes anyway...! As someone who has (sort of!) sang for a living in the past, it's not that I have a problem singing in front of people--but in church, it's different. Don't ask me why! It's just not the Susie Show, you know? It went well, and it was a beautiful song--but it's just not comfortable for me. Probably the same reason I don't want to lector and I don't like to serve communion. Or it could be the Jew in me. But that's for another post...:-)

Then last night Vivian and I joined some of the church crew and went X-mas caroling! We did it last year for the first time, and it's so much fun. There's just nothing like making people all weepy with a Christmas carol. For such a simple thing, there sure is a lot of power in it!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Which Would You Say???

Another jewelry party, some more money! Woo! My friend Pam had her art work for sale at an "Art and Cider Sunday", and she invited me to have my jewelry there, as well. It was actually at HER friend Pat's house (confusing, I know--it gets even more confusing when you realize that the hostess Pat and her sister Pam are twins! And that's a different Pam!!!) It was a beautiful house, with lots of interesting people coming over to spend money! What a great way to spend an afternoon. The only downer came at the end of the day. While I was packing up my things, a woman that had been there from the get-go says to me, "I've been trying to figure out who it is you look like, and it finally came to me!" I'm interested. In the past I've been told I look like Finola Hughes--she's sort of an obscure english actress who was on "All My Children" for years and years. Very pretty, though, so I'll take that! Or maybe Valerie Bertanelli--I've heard that before, too, and even my friend Darcie brought her up when she was trying to guess who I was going to say. So I'm sort of expecting this woman to maybe mention one of these...but then she says, "Shirley Temple!" Shirley Temple?! That just about cuts a Heavy Metal Wannabe to the quick! Of course my friends Stephanie and Kim, who were helping me pack up (bless their hearts!) were teasing me and asking when I was going to do a rendition of "The Good Ship Lollipop" with Warbride. As Darcie would say, Grief.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Heavy Metal and Mary Kay

Last night my bad heavy metal-self was at a Mary Kay party. My friend Cyndy is a Mary Kay Lady, and she asked if I wanted to sell my jewelry at her yearly holiday soiree. Heck, why not? Come to find out I probably shouldn't have worn jeans...I guess Mary Kay ladies are to wear skirts at their parties, and they are not to serve alcohol. Hmmmm. Well, Cyndy said I was off the hook anyway since I wasn't really representing Mary. And actually Cyndy was not in a skirt, and there was plenty of wine and margaritas to go around. My kind of heavy metal breakin'-the-law kind of party! Old Southern Baptist Mary Kay was probably rolling in her grave.

No worries, though. No one was so sauced that they bought a lipstick color too dark for their skin tone, or anything. And I did quite well with my wares. Turns out those Mary Kay ladies like a little bling. Who knew? I wonder if Mary would approve??

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Heavy Metal Hand Sign Abuse!

My friend Stephanie sent me the most hilarious article, out of the Onion--all about the abuse of using the Heavy Metal hand sign. (remember that photo I had in a previous blog entry, of that little devil-child using the sign? Clearly abuse!) I didn't include the entire length of the article, but pasted the most juicy bits below:

---In an emergency session Tuesday, members of the Supreme Metal Council strongly condemned the increasing use of the metal hand sign in lay society, claiming that its meaning has become perverted by overuse. "The metal sign, or 'sign of the goat,' has all but lost its impact as a token of respectful recognition for something truly 'rocking' or 'metal,'" SMC president Terence "Geezer" Butler said. "We have all heard the reports of people using it to greet their in-laws, or after starting their lawn mowers with a single pull," Butler said. "But recently it was brought to our attention that someone used the gesture in a Texas convenience store after snagging the last box of carrot cakes. This simply won't do."

"This man here, (see above photo) who invokes the sign merely to indicate his joy that his microwave popcorn is done: He is not metal," said Nikki Sixx, of the band Motley Crue.

"A lot of people who incorrectly make the sign have traces of metal in their hearts and minds, they just need the proper direction," Added Dave Mustaine, of Megadeath fame.

"If your head is neither banging nor thrashing, you should not be throwing the sign," Butler said. "It's that simple."

The council discussed several harsh punishments to deter further metal-sign abuse. Paulo Pinto, bassist for the Brazilian thrash-metal band Sepultura and Overlord Of International Metal Affairs, suggested that the hand of a suspected signer should be immediately cut off. A contingency of death rockers from Gothenburg, Sweden recommended that any sign abuser, or anyone who is not sufficiently metal, should be forced to eat his severed hand while having his eyeballs burned with a superheated metal crucifix, and then be slowly skinned alive.---

Whew. It's good to know that since I am in Warbride, I could most likely get away with an occasional use of the sign. I'll have to really try hard, though, not to use when rejoicing about some really rockin' sweet potatoes I've made, or to my church choir director when she once again commands us to sing about the 'fragrance of release'...