No Stone Unturned

Did you hear the news story about William Shatner's kidney stone being sold for 25K? I guess the proceeds went to Habitat for Humanity, a very worthy cause. But the whole idea of that is hilarious to me. I mean, besides the obvious ridiculousness of it all, I've had the unfortunate experience of passing a kidney stone or two in my day, and the process of retrieving one is usually not so easy. To put it plainly, you've gotta pee through a strainer. I remember the first time I dealt with this immensely uncomfortable situation, afterwards I had to carry around this mini-colander of a thing with me and pee through it every time. At the time Cory and I had the coffee shop, the Atomic Grind in Missoula, Montana, and so I was there all day behind the counter. It was pretty embarrassing to have to try to smuggle that strainer out with me into the bathroom every time I had to go! How appetizing! "Yeah, I'll get your coffee for you in a minute, I've gotta go strain my PEE..." ! And if you are lucky enough to 'catch the stone', it's unbelievable how miniscule they are. I'm not even sure to this day if I really got one or not. We're talking, like a grain of sand. How in the world can a grain of sand cause so much trouble?! Amazing. But the thought of William Shatner sifting through his little colander to find a tiny grain of sand, and then, what? Putting it in a little vial or something? Totally gross!

It reminds me of this documentary I watched, years ago, about people obsessed with Elvis. (who, me?! I've actually never been obsessed with Elvis the Man, only Elvis the Parody) I would never see Elvis' face in a potato, and if I did I certainly wouldn't make a velvet pillow to place it on and put it on display. (I'd just try to sell it on ebay!) There was a woman who claimed to have Elvis' toenail--she said she had been to Graceland and had found a toenail embedded in the shag carpeting of the Jungle Room. I wonder how in the world she knew it was Elvis'?? I mean, did it ever occur to her that it's probably been vacuumed since the 1970's, and could very well be that some body guard got bored and decided to do some personal hygiene?? Then there was another woman who supposedly had Elvis' wart that taken off of his hand when he entered the army. People are so weird. I mean, I can honestly say I would not want Orlando Bloom's toenail or wart. Or his kidney stone, for that matter.

The second round of kidney stone torture I went through, I decided that I had to try to have some sort of fun with it or I would lose my mind. I actually prayed to catch the thing in my colander, so I could bottle it up and name it The Arkenstone, a one-of-a-kind rare and beautiful gem stone written about in The Hobbit. Alas, though, it ws not to be. Now, my OWN kidney stone I would wear around my neck and proudly display. William Shatner's? Nah. Let's hope he doesn't try to auction off a Klingon next....!