Cardio Fool

The class was actually called "Cardio Groove", but this gal was not gettin' her groove on there this morning, let me tell you. I got to the gym fully prepared to just hop on the Elipse machine as usual, but no, I had to go and check the schedule just in case there was a fun class going on. Sure enough, "Cardio Groove" was just starting! Woo! I am not well versed in 'group fitness' classes, so I really had no idea what to expect. All I know is a person can only listen to Metallica while watching people mouth bad soap opera dialogue on the suspended TV screens for so long before they need a change in routine. I figured I had nothing to lose but my dignity. But how bad could it be?? I should have known right away, when we were doing the 'warming up' part at the beginning. There we were, legs spread and bent over with our asses up in the air, squatting up and down so our butts would stick out even more than they usually do. The movie Perfect kept flashing into my head--remember that bad flick with Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta? I believe she was doing that very move, except she was wearing a head band and leg warmers. And of course she looked really good doing it. I don't even want to know how I looked.

Then we started moving. Side to side, adding a step or two. "I can do this", I thought. When the instructor called out, "Grapevine!" I really felt spunky, moving back and forth along with the pros. I just knew years of Swing Choir back in junior high and high school would be teaching me something really useful. But then the instructor started adding the spins, and she lost me. I mean, I could do the Hustle back in the 70's along with the rest of them, but I had more than like a nanosecond to learn the damn thing. After missing about 4 turns, I grabbed my water bottle and practically ran out the door. Hopefully everyone was in mid-turn and didn't notice. Or they were too busy looking at themselves in the mirrors.

So I probably lasted about 10 minutes in that class. Whew! I think I'll stick to my Elipse machine. I probably still look like a Cardio Fool on that thing, panting away with my legs going in circles, banging my head to metal blaring from my cute little pink iPod. But that's okay. I can at least stay on that thing.